Settling in relationships

[blackrain]

"If you’re under 30 and in a relationship right now, and you’re not head over heels, get out. You are way too young to be wasting your time with someone who doesn’t make you really happy to be with them every day. There’s nothing sadder than watching 23-year-olds settle."

--Carolyn Hall

Actually, there's nothing sadder than seeing anyone settle at any age.

What a dumb quote

Interesting. Care to explain why?

Because most people aren't instantly head over heels for their s/o.

I didn't see where she "instantly" head over heels, do you?

I see the part where she says if you're not then you shouldn't bother

Why should you bother staying in a relationship if you're not head over heels?

The person is basically your roommate at that point.

Because that's unrealistic.

lol..people aren't just 'head over heels' throughout an entire lifelong commitment.

Or maybe you just haven't met the right person to make you feel that way.

It seems like people expect feelings like that to disappear over time when I think it should get stronger the longer you are together.

Serious question, what's the longest relationship you've had? Relationships go through strain and stress for everyone. Staying in love is a choice and a hell of a lot of work. No one skips through a long term relationship with no problems. You don't like the person you're in love with all the time. Even parents don't like their kids all the time.

I know relationships go through hard ships. Every relationship does.

Being "in love" to me is not about flowery, sweet type of shit and ignoring the bullshit.

It's about maintaining a deep connection and purpose of being with someone while you still do.

People can have that but honestly it fades. Everyone gets used to each other. It comes back, but, yes, at some point that person will have nothing new under the sun to say to you. And you just have to work to renew that feeling.

I feel what you're saying. I just honestly can find someone to be with where y'all are are growing together. But if it's not even there in the beginning, then I do think that it is settling in some regard.

Problem with what you quoted though is that it doesn't allow for that time where those feelings grow into that "head over heels" feeling. It's written as if the relationship starts off on that level. Nobody starts off head over heels in love. That grows over time and gets stronger over time. That's what's unrealistic about it.

 

[mryounggun]

This 'head over heals' shit is problematic. Lol. What does that mean exactly, @Cunt_Lyfe‌? Explain that concept to me. Serious question.

"Head over heels", in my opinion, is basically where you feel a deep connection with person you're seeing.

You feel them.

I'm not talking about that high school rush of infatuation shit, but that real soulful type of shit.

Lol. Yeah, aight. Head over heels = a deep connection. Cool.

 

[Rasta.]

This 'head over heals' shit is problematic. Lol. What does that mean exactly, @Cunt_Lyfe‌? Explain that concept to me. Serious question.

"Head over heels", in my opinion, is basically where you feel a deep connection with person you're seeing.

You feel them.

I'm not talking about that high school rush of infatuation shit, but that real soulful type of shit.

Lol. Yeah, aight. Head over heels = a deep connection. Cool.

So foul

 

[ItsBboy!]

I thought about doing the noble thing everybody in this thread is talking about and dating a girl who I wasn't attracted to but had a nice personality.

Know what happened? Time and increased exposure with her showed me stuff I didn't like. Then there was absolutely nothing to fall back on. Looks were a 6, personality went down to a 7 once she got comfortable enough to take that mask off.

I wouldn't have had shit to show for it. Moral of this story being fellas/ladies, diversify your bet and find that person with looks and personality.

Cuz if one of them shits goes away at least the person you go home to won't be ugly AND wack.

 

[mryounggun]

I thought about doing the noble thing everybody in this thread is talking about and dating a girl who I wasn't attracted to but had a nice personality.

Know what happened? Time and increased exposure with her showed me stuff I didn't like. Then there was absolutely nothing to fall back on. Looks were a 6, personality went down to a 7 once she got comfortable enough to take that mask off.

I wouldn't have had shit to show for it. Moral of this story being fellas/ladies, diversify your bet and find that person with looks and personality.

Cuz if one of them shits goes away at least the person you go home to won't be ugly AND wack.

Damn, who said date a chick you aren't attracted to? That's a terrible idea. Lol.

 

[King Erauno]

look for a bad chick who you can deal with long term. make sure she likes you more than you like her.

problem solved

 

[blackrain]

Sorry, I still can't get with this, "Oh, you're not gonna find the perfect person, just get over it."

Of course there is no such thing as a "perfect person", but I'd rather be lonely than just to stay with someone I had lukewarm feelings for just because they were a nice person.

If you can't make me giddy with excitement, if I can't feel that we connect on a deep level, then it just ain't happening, regardless of all the other things.

If this were the criteria people set, maybe more people would be happier instead of trying to make something "work" when y'all don't even really fit together, anyways.

The bold is naive as hell. Part of the criteria fora successful relationship is the willingness to make it work and keep working at it. No matter how well 2 people fit together you still have to make it work in order for the relationship to be successful. There's no way of getting around it. All the feeling head over heels and deep connections in the world won't keep two people not willing to work at the relationship together.

 

[Westie]

I thought about doing the noble thing everybody in this thread is talking about and dating a girl who I wasn't attracted to but had a nice personality.

Know what happened? Time and increased exposure with her showed me stuff I didn't like. Then there was absolutely nothing to fall back on. Looks were a 6, personality went down to a 7 once she got comfortable enough to take that mask off.

I wouldn't have had shit to show for it. Moral of this story being fellas/ladies, diversify your bet and find that person with looks and personality.

Cuz if one of them shits goes away at least the person you go home to won't be ugly AND wack.

But....looks fade too.

 

[desertrain10]

"If you’re under 30 and in a relationship right now, and you’re not head over heels, get out. You are way too young to be wasting your time with someone who doesn’t make you really happy to be with them every day. There’s nothing sadder than watching 23-year-olds settle."

--Carolyn Hall

Actually, there's nothing sadder than seeing anyone settle at any age.

What a dumb quote

Interesting. Care to explain why?

Because most people aren't instantly head over heels for their s/o.

I didn't see where she "instantly" head over heels, do you?

I see the part where she says if you're not then you shouldn't bother

Why should you bother staying in a relationship if you're not head over heels?

The person is basically your roommate at that point.

Because that's unrealistic.

lol..people aren't just 'head over heels' throughout an entire lifelong commitment.

Or maybe you just haven't met the right person to make you feel that way.

It seems like people expect feelings like that to disappear over time when I think it should get stronger the longer you are together.

Serious question, what's the longest relationship you've had? Relationships go through strain and stress for everyone. Staying in love is a choice and a hell of a lot of work. No one skips through a long term relationship with no problems. You don't like the person you're in love with all the time. Even parents don't like their kids all the time.

I know relationships go through hard ships. Every relationship does.

Being "in love" to me is not about flowery, sweet type of shit and ignoring the bullshit.

It's about maintaining a deep connection and purpose of being with someone while you still do.

People can have that but honestly it fades. Everyone gets used to each other. It comes back, but, yes, at some point that person will have nothing new under the sun to say to you. And you just have to work to renew that feeling.

I feel what you're saying. I just honestly can find someone to be with where y'all are are growing together. But if it's not even there in the beginning, then I do think that it is settling in some regard.

Yea but I find it hard to believe that you can share this deep connection, be deeply in love with a person you barely know... it takes time maybe even years and great effort getting to know a person. This process is even more difficult and time consuming outside the confines of a committed relationship

I don't think op friend is necessarily settling... as time goes by that person who you initially thought was fine could turn out to be the ugliest person you've ever known so ...

 

[WinterHeat]

In every relationship, you're gonna hit a wall and that's life, but the true test is if you're able to get over that wall together or do you let it fade away. I feel like you already hit a wall if you aren't even attracted to the person to begin with. Complete waste of time.

 

[Rasta.]

In every relationship, you're gonna hit a wall and that's life, but the true test is if you're able to get over that wall together or do you let it fade away. I feel like you already hit a wall if you aren't even attracted to the person to begin with. Complete waste of time.

Allow me to say that most of the time, the wall is evident from the jump but we ignore it and move on anyway

 

[Westie]

In every relationship, you're gonna hit a wall and that's life, but the true test is if you're able to get over that wall together or do you let it fade away. I feel like you already hit a wall if you aren't even attracted to the person to begin with. Complete waste of time.

People can become more attractive when you get to know them tho. I feel pathologically un-shallow in this thread.

And I've never fucked a man I thought was facially challenged.

 

[Rasta.]

In every relationship, you're gonna hit a wall and that's life, but the true test is if you're able to get over that wall together or do you let it fade away. I feel like you already hit a wall if you aren't even attracted to the person to begin with. Complete waste of time.

People can become more attractive when you get to know them tho. I feel pathologically un-shallow in this thread.

And I've never fucked a man I thought was facially challenged.

So ultimately, it's not the looks per se but character and how he treats you also is a medium of attraction.

ps: bet you didn't have this opinion years gone by.....

 

[ItsBboy!]

Damn, who said date a chick you aren't attracted to? That's a terrible idea. Lol.

In favor of personality. But yeah it is a bad idea.

@Westie yeah looks fade too. By that time either you'll be used to each other or you'll be divorced at 50. idk *Yeezy shrug*

 

[MoneyPowerRespect]

i think settling imo is worse if it's not settling because of appearance per se but settling as far as what you get out of a relationship. if that person doesn't treat you the way you want or you don't feel chemistry or an emotional connection with them but you stay anyway; because you don't wanna be alone or start over or whatever, that is settling

I agree with the bolded.

Too often, I see people who are only with their s/o for the perks and not because they really like them. that, to me, is settling.

 

[Westie]

In every relationship, you're gonna hit a wall and that's life, but the true test is if you're able to get over that wall together or do you let it fade away. I feel like you already hit a wall if you aren't even attracted to the person to begin with. Complete waste of time.

People can become more attractive when you get to know them tho. I feel pathologically un-shallow in this thread.

And I've never fucked a man I thought was facially challenged.

So ultimately, it's not the looks per se but character and how he treats you also is a medium of attraction.

ps: bet you didn't have this opinion years gone by.....

If I put pictures of men I've dated from when I started dating to now, they've actually gotten better looking.

 

[Westie]

Personally I would like some of the people in this thread (on this site in general) to keep their unreasonably high expectations cuz some of you really need to stay alone.

 

[Meta_Conscious]

kissing and licking the only thing that count as foreplay these days? oh..

Can't forget spending money.

 

[LPast]

This 'head over heals' shit is problematic. Lol. What does that mean exactly, @Cunt_Lyfe‌? Explain that concept to me. Serious question.

"Head over heels", in my opinion, is basically where you feel a deep connection with person you're seeing.

You feel them.

I'm not talking about that high school rush of infatuation shit, but that real soulful type of shit.

How long did your longest relationship last?

 

[Rasta.]

Personally I would like some of the people in this thread (on this site in general) to keep their unreasonably high expectations cuz some of you really need to stay alone.

Last i heard we name names on this site or nah?