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[Tupacfan]

yea finish it off, it's a great start, but I encourage you finish it off tho..

 

[ra-mes1]

This is a great start. Hope you're not offended by this, but part of me felt like it was/is (or could be) a sexual abuse poem with the whole taking of innocence, him seeing her as damaged goods and being possessive, her look of confusion and tears....good writing and imagery, i like that it's so "open-ended" that we dont know where it's going....

 

[Tha Killa]

Laying on his bed
She took her first breathe as a woman
Blood stains christened his white lien sheets
He was between her legs
Taking slow breaths while inside of her
He looked into her innocent eyes
As if he had fast forward the clocks hand
On her youth
Like the flower dress she wore last spring
That was a little form fitting against her hips
She no longer seemed as if her youth caressed
Her innocence
He knew from each slow thrust inside of her
She became damaged goods
He thrust harder
While tears streamed down her face
With a look of confusing
He wanted her to moan with pleasure
He wanted her to be his forever
Slowly he turned to the clock on the dresser
10 am it read

not sure how i want to end it.. i have an idea.. might come back to it.. blah

I like how descriptive this is. I dig the pace and some of the ways you flip the imagery, like in the bolded.

In the bolded underlined, you were able to incorporate internal rhyme without taking anything away from the rest of the blank verse, and that's harder to do than people think. Tupacfan does that beautifully in a lot of her pieces.

All in all, I think this is a great short piece and I think it could be a staple poem in a chapbook if you wanted to make one.