Ludacris
End Fight Probability: ???
I don’t know how to rate Ludacris. He’s not intimidating but he’s not unintimidating either. He’s not big but he’s not small. He’s not ultra-serious but he’s also not ultra-goofy. I don’t know. I don’t know. You might win. You might die. I don’t know. Good luck.
Tyga
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–83 percent chance Tyga knocks you out.
Remember “Rack City”? Man, that was a good song.
Common
End Fight Probability: There is a 49 percent chance Common knocks you out.
And a 100 percent chance that he just straight-up kills you. Did you even see Wanted, bro? He can bend the flight of bullets. Don’t do it. Don’t get ghost-assassinated by Common.
Kendrick Lamar
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–12 percent chance Kendrick Lamar knocks you out.
Several months ago I was at a concert. I was milling about backstage (I was there to do some reporting for a story). I was waiting for the main act to come on, talking to strangers (and then making fun on them on Twitter like a good Catholic boy), when this kid, couldn’t have been more than 13, hurried past me. I didn’t pay him any attention until I noticed he was headed straight for the stage. He stopped at the edge, was handed a microphone, then walked out and the whole entire universe exploded. It was Kendrick. I’m not a very tall person (5-foot-7) and he was at least two feet shorter. You’d survive this fight.
Ice-T
End Fight Probability: There is a 73 percent chance Ice-T knocks you out.
Remember that one movie he was in with Rutger Hauer in which Hauer and his friends were hunting him? They had guns and ATVs and racism and they still couldn’t get him. You can’t either. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Ice-T.
Big Sean
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–75 percent chance Big Sean knocks you out.
The odds are in your favor here, but still, don’t ever fight Big Sean. He’s so much fun. I mean, just look at him. He’s so happily silly and playful (and totally aware of his silliness and playfulness). He’s the opposite of J. Cole, the most self-serious rapper of my whole life. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Big Sean. Go back and fight J. Cole again.
Soulja Boy
End Fight Probability: There is a 40 percent chance Soulja Boy knocks you out.
I understand your instinct to fight Soulja Boy. I do. But don’t.
Future
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–29 percent* chance Future knocks you out.
*This is a completely skewed measurement. Future is somewhere near 60 percent to knock you out. This is a setup. I want you to try to fight Future because I want Future to knock you out because I want Future to cackle “Tuuuuuuurn out the liiiiights” after he does so. That’s a little thing called being poetic. So do it. Fight Future.
DMX
End Fight Probability: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA10000000000000PERCENTHAHAHAHAHA
Call a coroner.
Jay Z
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–50 percent chance Jay Z knocks you out.
Because Jay Z rapped “Plus I know Tae Bo” in “Girls, Girls, Girls” and then Nas called him a “Tae Bo hoe” on “Ether.”
Drake
End Fight Probability: There is a 51 percent chance Drake knocks you out.
Drake has spent the last four years getting picked on by the Internet. He has been hardened. He might be the kid who cries when he fights, but that’s nature at work. It’s the same as a lion roaring. When Drake is roaring tears from his eyes, that’s when it’s time to back up.
Wale
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–17 percent chance Wale knocks you out.
I don’t know.
Did you know that Wale is real-life cousins with Chris Partlow from The Wire? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Chris Partlow’s real-life cousin.
Young Thug
End Fight Probability: There is a 21 percent chance Young Thug knocks you out.
He wore a dress. But don’t fall into that trap. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Young Thug.
Tyler, the Creator
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–55 percent* chance Tyler, the Creator knocks you out.
*Another ruse. His real number is closer to 35 percent. Sorry. I just really want to see what sort of things he does to you after he mollywhops you upside the head.
Action Bronson
End Fight Probability: There is a 79 percent chance Action Bronson knocks you out.
He shares the same physical attributes as Rick Ross (who earned a -23 percent chance of knocking you out), but there’s one super-ultra-off-the-backboard mega-difference you have to account for: Bronson’s father is Albanian, which means Bronson is half-Albanian, which means FUCK THAT. The only person capable of defeating Albanians is Liam Neeson, and you’re no Liam Neeson,* my friend. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Action Bronson. Don’t get sold into an Albanian human trafficking ring.
http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/the-if-i-fought-this-rapper-would-i-win-chart/
End Fight Probability: ???
I don’t know how to rate Ludacris. He’s not intimidating but he’s not unintimidating either. He’s not big but he’s not small. He’s not ultra-serious but he’s also not ultra-goofy. I don’t know. I don’t know. You might win. You might die. I don’t know. Good luck.
Tyga
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–83 percent chance Tyga knocks you out.
Remember “Rack City”? Man, that was a good song.
Common
End Fight Probability: There is a 49 percent chance Common knocks you out.
And a 100 percent chance that he just straight-up kills you. Did you even see Wanted, bro? He can bend the flight of bullets. Don’t do it. Don’t get ghost-assassinated by Common.
Kendrick Lamar
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–12 percent chance Kendrick Lamar knocks you out.
Several months ago I was at a concert. I was milling about backstage (I was there to do some reporting for a story). I was waiting for the main act to come on, talking to strangers (and then making fun on them on Twitter like a good Catholic boy), when this kid, couldn’t have been more than 13, hurried past me. I didn’t pay him any attention until I noticed he was headed straight for the stage. He stopped at the edge, was handed a microphone, then walked out and the whole entire universe exploded. It was Kendrick. I’m not a very tall person (5-foot-7) and he was at least two feet shorter. You’d survive this fight.
Ice-T
End Fight Probability: There is a 73 percent chance Ice-T knocks you out.
Remember that one movie he was in with Rutger Hauer in which Hauer and his friends were hunting him? They had guns and ATVs and racism and they still couldn’t get him. You can’t either. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Ice-T.
Big Sean
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–75 percent chance Big Sean knocks you out.
The odds are in your favor here, but still, don’t ever fight Big Sean. He’s so much fun. I mean, just look at him. He’s so happily silly and playful (and totally aware of his silliness and playfulness). He’s the opposite of J. Cole, the most self-serious rapper of my whole life. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Big Sean. Go back and fight J. Cole again.
Soulja Boy
End Fight Probability: There is a 40 percent chance Soulja Boy knocks you out.
I understand your instinct to fight Soulja Boy. I do. But don’t.
Future
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–29 percent* chance Future knocks you out.
*This is a completely skewed measurement. Future is somewhere near 60 percent to knock you out. This is a setup. I want you to try to fight Future because I want Future to knock you out because I want Future to cackle “Tuuuuuuurn out the liiiiights” after he does so. That’s a little thing called being poetic. So do it. Fight Future.
DMX
End Fight Probability: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA10000000000000PERCENTHAHAHAHAHA
Call a coroner.
Jay Z
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–50 percent chance Jay Z knocks you out.
Because Jay Z rapped “Plus I know Tae Bo” in “Girls, Girls, Girls” and then Nas called him a “Tae Bo hoe” on “Ether.”
Drake
End Fight Probability: There is a 51 percent chance Drake knocks you out.
Drake has spent the last four years getting picked on by the Internet. He has been hardened. He might be the kid who cries when he fights, but that’s nature at work. It’s the same as a lion roaring. When Drake is roaring tears from his eyes, that’s when it’s time to back up.
Wale
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–17 percent chance Wale knocks you out.
I don’t know.
Did you know that Wale is real-life cousins with Chris Partlow from The Wire? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Chris Partlow’s real-life cousin.
Young Thug
End Fight Probability: There is a 21 percent chance Young Thug knocks you out.
He wore a dress. But don’t fall into that trap. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Young Thug.
Tyler, the Creator
End Fight Probability: There is a negative–55 percent* chance Tyler, the Creator knocks you out.
*Another ruse. His real number is closer to 35 percent. Sorry. I just really want to see what sort of things he does to you after he mollywhops you upside the head.
Action Bronson
End Fight Probability: There is a 79 percent chance Action Bronson knocks you out.
He shares the same physical attributes as Rick Ross (who earned a -23 percent chance of knocking you out), but there’s one super-ultra-off-the-backboard mega-difference you have to account for: Bronson’s father is Albanian, which means Bronson is half-Albanian, which means FUCK THAT. The only person capable of defeating Albanians is Liam Neeson, and you’re no Liam Neeson,* my friend. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Action Bronson. Don’t get sold into an Albanian human trafficking ring.
http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/the-if-i-fought-this-rapper-would-i-win-chart/
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