Grant me entry to the room when I'm ready to spit
Don't let me in I'ma take your sedan and coupe it
Don't give two shits when I rip two doors off it
Bad intro. In any song/verse/keystyle you gotta start off strong because people only remember the first and last few bars. I'm sure it would be better if we could actually HEAR but since it's in keysyle form, you started this off on a very generic note. The bolded was a great use of multisyllabic rhyming though. :tu
Like a lunatic on acid, my attitude suffers a drastic
change. I'm de-ranged like I just lost my rover
So don't play soldier when I give you the cold shoulder
Or your girl gon feel like a boulder roll over her when i bone her
Seriously dude? This is the best you got? I've seen some of your WTE drops and your other RTM joint and I must say that you show some pretty good potential, and because of that, I'm gonna hold you to a higher standard when I see you drop. This was some bland braggadocio shit that you'd hear my 10 year old cousin spit. I know you can do so much better than this. Even on a braggadocious joint, you gotta say and spit something unique since EVERYBODY in Hip-Hop thinks they're the shit. What makes you any better or worse than those niggas?
Have my boner console her, play with her, she the controller
If x marks the spot I'll put my joystick in her box
Jerk it around a bit, try to hit that g-score on her twat
I'll go easy on you with this boner/joystick/controller line. If you had worded it a bit differently, it would have made for a rather exceptional punchline, but the way you executed it left a little to be desired. I do like your effort though. You're on a roll with these multis. I dig that you're trying to use wordplay, and I like the effort, but I know you can do better than that.
I don't game a lot, I'm more of a one night stand
So don't think long term when you mapping out plans
Cause you get lost on the way, no compass
And when you bump this, you'll be reminded that you sunk this low
I almost forgot that this was a freestyle, so the fact that you've been so consistent with these great uses of multis is awesome. But I'd like to see you drop more 'cause this stanza is still full of filler. I've been waiting for that killer punchline but it's been ghost so far.
Fuck this ho then fuck her, it's on to the next yo
Better bet I'ma vet bro
Money over bitches, so tell me, where the dough at
I don't jump outta windows, I'm more of a macbook pro cat
Even off the top of the dome, you can do so much better than this man. Get money fuck bitches ain't the kind of lines you wanna kick if you want people to take you seriously in a cypher. The Bolded Underlined part was pretty nice. It almost makes up for that lack of a killer punchline that I was talking about. I still think you could have worded it a little more cleverly though.
Paper chasin like you lost a 20 in the wind on the beach
Too big to be runnin through streets, but bitches gotta eat
Roll up on a brotha for a meal like I'm on some simp shit
Which is when I fill then kill, yea, I'm on that OJ Simpson.
Once again you leave a lot to be desired with your last few lines, and this lukewarm ending doesn't really make one forget all of the filler before it. I ain't tryin' to be TOO harsh on ya, but I think you should take your sweet time on the next drop. That's how I taught myself to freestyle. First I did it slow, and then with repetition I got pretty fast at it.
I don't really do any battle rapping/writing these days but I'm trying to get the imagination flowing again and come up with some creative and interesting lines, which is why this piece doesn't really have a subject matter. Feedback is cool... thanks.
