I’m coming in, give you something you can feel//
build on the design till you decline to comment on skills//
By me, my crew, well, excuse, no crew//
Just brothers, and to them, salaam walaikum//
I like your use of a relaxed and casual intro but that only works if the follow up is nothing short of exceptional. The bolded just read like a cheap imitation of a Jungle Brothers song from way back. I know you can pay homage to that style of delivery without biting it to the point that it comes of like a cheap knockoff. As an MC, my brain is wired to rhyme to the point of obsession, and while I like your subtle use of a multi in the opening bar, the fact you didn't continue the flow/scheme on the last 2 lines is disappointing, not to mention the fact the "Salaam Walaikum" part feels so out of order here.
Hate them or me, and I hope that the piece is with you//
Cuz these streets will miss, well not really//
How can I say that when ya backs still on the curb I mean that’s silly//
I mean that silly, don’t let a toes step outta that box//
The bolded is a BIIIIIIG No-No when writing/recording/performing/freestyling a verse. NEVER use the same word or phrase in such quick succession. It just dilutes the overall cohesiveness of the verse and makes it come off as too repetitive. This section was pretty underwhelming imo. Not only are you not talking about anything, your phrasing is kinda confusing and you failed to connect the last 4 bars to this one....which is essential in any good verse.
Or any lines drawn, give you a sketch, put it beside the box//
That’s storage for the body, or at least what’s left so close it//
Pastor sayin a verse bout the devil on Earth, might I be why he chose it?//
The 1st couple of lines of this stanza are forgettable, but the Pastor line is an excellent set-up for what follows. My only beef is that there are too many syllables in that line. It doesn't really matchup well with the lines before AND after it in terms of flow. Try cutting out the "bout the Devil on Earth" part because it throws off the flow of this section completely. Or at least try to cut out all the unnecessary words/syllables without changing the meaning or effectiveness of the line
Naw, but my hunger unleash the demon from the belly of the beast//
These pussy niggas getting ran through they got belly’s full of yeast//
Cervixes is jelly, I’m armed and ready to the teeth//
The big fish, you tadpoles would barely fill a creek//
babblin bout nonsense, substance content would barely fill a sheet//
makin songs all day but niggas barely want a leak//
If I were to tell you to start this whole verse over again, I'd have you rewrite it around THIS section. This shit was pretty dope. Your multis are outstanding in this stanza and the "belly of the beast"and "bellyful of yeast" parts aren't as repetitive as they'd usually be because you were able to use great wordplay to mask the fact that you broke a cardinal rule. That "pussy/cervix/yeast" wordplay/metaphor was clearly the best part of this keystyle. I also like the way you followed that up with the lil' bit of braggadocio at the end. This is one of the few times I can't talk shit about a part of a verse. Soak it in 'cause that almost never happens.
so i don't give peeks, i plant the piece at ya widow's peak//
and let everybody see, free of charge no p-p-v//
just world war 3, this is lyrical warfare arm your squads//
go head say "hail mary's" and "our father's" call your gods//
in my mind i recite surah fatiha, give me and my bullets a straight path//
the flame i spit send you to more but this ain't a light flash//
The bolded is dope because it's a great set-up for a great concluding line.....especially with the part about reciting scripture from the Holy Qur'an. The only problem is that you finished the verse off really meekly and it didn't really have shit to do with the line before it. It woulda been epic if you actually quoted a small part of a verse in Arabic (so it'll go with the Surah Fatiha line) AND still have it rhyme with the "straight path" part of the previous line. It only makes sense.
constructive criticism is again welcomed any pointers are appreciated
