Love Verse

[Tha Killa]

Edit: Smh @ me for thinking this was posted today.

This section

But despite this you met me...
Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
Screw it, even if I do it
everything comes back in cycles
I just can't lose you,
maybe it's amusing

And this one

But you melted down my icicles
and I suppose even my icebergs
And you burned my soul
When you looked into my eyelids

both stood out the most to me. That Iceburg Slim reference was pretty sneakily written and I think if you worded it a bit different it would be one of the hottest lines I've seen on this forum as of late. I like this piece and I'd like to see more from you. I know you wrote this 2 months ago so I'd imagine you've grown a lot as a writer since then.

 

[Legend24]

I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless
I was sick and crazy like psychos
Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this
Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this
Small little child with bright dreams
huge list
of infinite hopes and wishes
waiting for the heroic cute prince
But despite this you met me...
Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
Screw it, even if I do it
everything comes back in cycles
I just can't lose you,
maybe it's amusing
But I just went mad and mindless
I would kill all of my romantic rivals
But you melted down my icicles
and I suppose even my icebergs
And you burned my soul
When you looked into my eyelids

I like this one... solid subject matter and execution. I got a lot of imagery from it. Simple rhyming throughout most of it but it flowed well and made sense. Thought it was a bit on the short side, I'd like to see if you can keep up the same skill level over a full 32-48 bars. Keep up the good shit.

 

[supaman4321]

I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless
I was sick and crazy like psychos
Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this
Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this
Small little child with bright dreams
huge list
of infinite hopes and wishes
waiting for the heroic cute prince
But despite this you met me...
Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
Screw it, even if I do it
everything comes back in cycles
I just can't lose you,
maybe it's amusing
But I just went mad and mindless
I would kill all of my romantic rivals
But you melted down my icicles
and I suppose even my icebergs
And you burned my soul
When you looked into my eyelids

It flowed really well but the ending seemed....i dunno rushed i guess I dunno, a lot of good imagery though. I don't mind it being short just feels unfinished did you have an instrumental in mind that you wrote this to?

 

[beatsbyjtb]

Dope. Though it seems like that wasn't the ending, it should keep going.

 

[Sharoyceantwan]

I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless

I was sick and crazy like psychos

Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this

Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this

Small little child with bright dreams

huge list

of infinite hopes and wishes

waiting for the heroic cute prince

But despite this you met me...

Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this

Screw it, even if I do it

everything comes back in cycles

I just can't lose you,

maybe it's amusing

But I just went mad and mindless

I would kill all of my romantic rivals

But you melted down my icicles

and I suppose even my icebergs

And you burned my soul

When you looked into my eyelids

Deep ish within these lines!

5 out of 5!

Sounds like it might fit Chris Brown's Dueces

 

[JefftheProducer]

i had a good vision reading this verse