kzzl;1769185 said:
It flowed well, really well. It reads like you wrote this to a song. The rhythm of the words was consistent up to that 5th to last line. It threw me off, for a bit. It might not matter depending on how you plan on expressing it. You might have done that intentionally for all I know.
But other than that, you went in on bustdown's. Nice story telling you got here. I'm even curious about Part 2.
I tried to make it come off as a rhyme because as much as a fan I am of poems; I find them to be boring lol but more so, it just makes story telling easier for me
and yeah the last few lines does throw it off but I was trying to set the story up for the 2nd part
5 years passed and you finally growing up now
mama's friends are 21, they hitting the club now
mama birthday just passed, now she 21 too
mama mad she stuck at the crib, she wanna have fun too
mama getting dressed up , she gonna get her dance on
mama going with her girls, you staying with grandma
grandma only 38, she ain't even that old
grandma know the business, used to be a hoodrat ho
mama ain't the same no more, she hardly ever home
and when she is, seems like mama always on the phone
mama wearing make-up, mama wearing tight skirts
you like the way mama look, you wanna be like her
mama got a link card, mama using food stamps
mama go out every week, mama got her groove back
6 months later and your mama about to have another
you ain't never had a father, but you about to have a brother
