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4. Body Language
When you interact with your partner, are you closed off? Arms crossed? Face scowling? Maybe even some yelling? These are common reactions when you’re feeling flooded, along with increased heart rate, a secretion of adrenaline and an increase in blood pressure. Whatever the cause of these physical reactions, one thing is certain, it renders you unable to have a productive conversation with your significant other. If you notice yourself physically reacting in this way, try to take a few deep breaths, or ask your partner to give you a moment to calm down before you proceed. Of course, these steps are much easier said than done, but doing so will help lead to a more conducive discussion and hopefully result in a resolution.
5. Positive/Negative Balance
A combination of negative and positive is like the yin and yang of any healthy relationship. Negativity can play an important role in a relationship, such as calling out and eradicating interaction patterns that don’t work. But the key is balance. If constant negativity is keeping you and your partner from recovering from past fights, this is a recipe for disaster. Gottman’s magic ratio is 5:1. For every negative event, you need 5 positive events to restore balance and promote happiness. So if you find yourself in the negative territory too often, try to go out of your way to something nice for your partner. With a little effort, it’s only a matter of time before the balance is restored.
6. You can’t forgive and forget
If you find yourself still resenting your significant other for something that happened five years ago, then chances are you two won’t be together for another five. If you’re unable to let go of past problems then you could get stuck in what Gottman calls “bad memories.” This type of mindset leaves you viewing your past, present, and even future relationship in a negative light, often worse than it actually is. Instead of remaining in this unpleasant space, try to remember good times and positive qualities about your partner. When Gottman interviews happily married couples, they look at their past fondly and remember difficult obstacles they faced as opportunities for growth in their partnership.
If you find you and your partner do fit any of these signs, don’t throw in the towel just yet. Instead, take it as a wake-up call — an opportunity for some positive change in your relationship.
When you interact with your partner, are you closed off? Arms crossed? Face scowling? Maybe even some yelling? These are common reactions when you’re feeling flooded, along with increased heart rate, a secretion of adrenaline and an increase in blood pressure. Whatever the cause of these physical reactions, one thing is certain, it renders you unable to have a productive conversation with your significant other. If you notice yourself physically reacting in this way, try to take a few deep breaths, or ask your partner to give you a moment to calm down before you proceed. Of course, these steps are much easier said than done, but doing so will help lead to a more conducive discussion and hopefully result in a resolution.
5. Positive/Negative Balance
A combination of negative and positive is like the yin and yang of any healthy relationship. Negativity can play an important role in a relationship, such as calling out and eradicating interaction patterns that don’t work. But the key is balance. If constant negativity is keeping you and your partner from recovering from past fights, this is a recipe for disaster. Gottman’s magic ratio is 5:1. For every negative event, you need 5 positive events to restore balance and promote happiness. So if you find yourself in the negative territory too often, try to go out of your way to something nice for your partner. With a little effort, it’s only a matter of time before the balance is restored.
6. You can’t forgive and forget
If you find yourself still resenting your significant other for something that happened five years ago, then chances are you two won’t be together for another five. If you’re unable to let go of past problems then you could get stuck in what Gottman calls “bad memories.” This type of mindset leaves you viewing your past, present, and even future relationship in a negative light, often worse than it actually is. Instead of remaining in this unpleasant space, try to remember good times and positive qualities about your partner. When Gottman interviews happily married couples, they look at their past fondly and remember difficult obstacles they faced as opportunities for growth in their partnership.
If you find you and your partner do fit any of these signs, don’t throw in the towel just yet. Instead, take it as a wake-up call — an opportunity for some positive change in your relationship.
